08.12.2010

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Rock ‘em Sock ‘em Robots: The brief, twisted video history

There’s been something of an onslaught of Toy Story and Toy Story 2 at BuckBokai’s household lately, as the Young Bucks (Z., almost five years old, and S., 3½) are typically responsible for the DVD programming.

Hey, it beats “My Little Pony,” let me tell you.

Lest the digression snowball rapidly out of control, here’s BuckBokai’s favorite bit in the movie:

Look, Mr. Potato Head was great and everything, but the combination of mechanical man and pounding pugilism stirs something in the human essence itself. Simply put, Rock ‘em Sock ‘em Robots was the greatest toy of all-time.

Why “was”? First, a brief history. Released by the heavily ironically named Marx toy company in 1964, Rock ‘em Sock ‘em Robots quickly surpassed the Beatles and “Lawrence of Arabia” in importance to the cultural landscape of 1960s America.

The game was renamed (or, as we’d say today, “rebranded”) for the U.K. market in 1974 as “Raving Bonkers” where it became, in the words of Toy Retailers Association historians, a “Hit of the Year.” Other big hits in Britain that year included ABBA and Tom Baker.

Those of us old enough to remember (sigh) the immense swamping of pop culture – nay, of civilization itself – known as “Star Wars” that claimed America in May 1977. You may also recall the relaunch/rebrand of Rock ‘em Sock ‘em Robots as “Clash of the Cosmic Robots” that same year. The original Red Rocker and Blue Bomber were supplanted by orange and white alien dudes.

Gameplay and the concomitant satisfying whizz of a head being knocked off remained essentially the same, however.

Then tragedy struck the greatest science-fiction sport game ever in 2000. Some numbskull, certainly backed by a managerial type hissing furiously about the bottom line in his ear – at Mattel got it into his numb skull that what Rock ‘em Sock ‘em Robots really needed more than a more science-fictiony feel was actually … to be halved in size!

W, as we would say today, TF? Have you seen this thing? Just look at it being “played” by the Retro Gaming Collector here:

Clearly, Mr. unnamed Rock ‘em Suck ‘em at Mattel had been reassured one too many times that size doesn’t matter. Or that half the plastic means double the fun, contrary to all known laws of aesthetics and physics.

Speaking of violating laws of aesthetics, here are some dorks with half a script playing Rock ‘em Sock ‘em trying painfully hard to be funny:

Since its own personal apocalypse of 2000, Rock ‘em Sock ‘em Robots has seen many versions in assorted milieux, perhaps peaking (bottoming out?) in stupidity and removal from the original concept with Play Station’s “Rock ‘em Sock ‘em Robots Arena,” which … looks like just about every fighting game since Mortal Kombat.

And last month, Mattel released Rock ‘em Sock ‘em Robots as … you guessed it: an “App” for your mobile phone. Don’t play it while driving!

Or maybe not at all, if it’s this difficult:

If you’d like the original version of this pinnacle of human achievement, well, it ain’t easy. eBay often has some, but – guess what – can be pricing. As of this writing, one set complete with box and instructions after 21 bids is up to $112.50 with seven hours remaining.

And, as a wise-ish man said on multiple occasions, now for something completely different.

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