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The Bizarro Bowl: ’76 Buccaneers vs. ’08 Lions
In honor of the start of the 2010 NFL season – no, a Thursday night opening game will not be acknowledged as official because *you’re supposed to play football on Sunday; God said so.* – BuckBokai celebrates by going to the interweb’s greatest time waster sports simulator site, What If Sports.
But BuckBokai won’t be boring readers with another quest to determine the most excellent among the excellent with a 16-team tournament, but rather seeks to finally find the answer to a well more tantalizing question: Namely, what was the all-time worst NFL team?
In a previous incarnation, BuckBokai more extensively answered this question four years ago for a website called Real Football 365, but “luckily” in ensuing year, the answer to this question has become much clearer and today only two teams have any sort of claim on the distinction of Worst NFL Team Ever, as only two teams have managed to achieve the mind-boggingly beautiful-in-its-awesome-badness distinction of going winless in a modern-era season: The 1976 Tampa Bay Buccaneers at 0-14 and the record-breaking 0-16 Detroit Lions of 2008.
Those of us old enough to remember fondly recall the ’76 Buccaneers as not just a bad team, not just another clueless expansion team … but a full-on phenomenon. In the first two games of the team history, the Bucs went without a point. The 1976ers, “led” by Steve Spurrier and “coached” by USC legend John McKay, would ultimately run up 26 straight losses while setting records for appearances in the butt of jokes that may never be broken.
The Creamsicle-colored jerseys made them visibly laughable (as an eight-year-old, BuckBokai kinda liked them, but BuckBokai has always had the sartorial taste of an 80s Doctor Who protagonist, apparently), and lest we forget: For inexplicable reasons, Tampa Bay graced the AFC West with the presence before swapping conferences with the Seattle Seahawks the following season.
The 2008 Detroit Lions weren’t quite as much fun, unless you count the Simmonsian unintentional comedy of Rod Marinelli at weekly post-game wraps describing all the positivity he saw out there on that field after another four-TD loss.
The ’08 Lions were the end result of seven years’ worth of breathtakingly bad decisions from Matt “Fire” Millen, certainly the worst general manager the NFL has ever seen. At least the sun shone in Florida for the Bucs: The Motor City Kitties could only look to a doom roof and a depressed economy for answers that weren’t forthcoming. As the cherry on the sundae of the Lions’ indignity was the famous safety now habitually called The Worst Football Play of All-Time.
So these are the teams ready (as they’ll ever be) to take the field for the first- (and last-) ever Bizarro Bowl! The teams will be playing at Raymond James Stadium, as Tampa Bay earned home field advantage by dint of two fewer losses.
First quarter. All right! No third downs converted by either team until 12 minutes into the game; 25 yards of total offense from the Lions, including six yards rushing and minus-15 in penalties; and a missed 40-yard field goal by Dave Green to end the quarter – this is what we came here for! 2008 Lions 0, 1976 Buccaneers 0.
Second quarter. After the teams exchange quick three-and-outs, Detroit finally gets something going in marching from their own 24 to the Tampa Bay 38 based on three straight plays to Calvin Johnson for 41 yards. Unfortunately, the first-and-10 results in minus-1 yard thereafter and, true to Marinelli’s genius play-calling, Detroit punts.
The Buccaneers finally put some positive numbers on the board when Lions QB Dan Orlovsky, he of the safety against the Vikings, generously feeds Curtis Jordan (no relation) an interception. Tampa Bay’s offensive line finally creates something on the next play as Louis Carter scampers 59 yards on a sweep.
Coaching again took over with 2:32 or so left. The Lions twice and Buccaneers once managed to hurry through drives and punt to kindly provide the opponent a chance to score; luckily, said opponent on either side is marginally capable of seizing such an opportunity. Tampa Bay finally manages to put together two consecutive successful plays for 26 yards and Green redeems himself with a 51-yarder to close the half. 1976 Buccaneers 10, 2008 Lions 0.
Third quarter. Kevin Smith coughs up the ball on the first play from scrimmage to get things going for the Lions, and even the ’76 Buccaneers can manage to put together nine total yards on seven plays and to convert a 40-yard field goal (this time). Marinelli is so pleased at what he sees on the field, he has his side go three-and-out, followed by what passes for a Buccaneer march downfield and a 22-yard three-pointer.
The excitement mounts as Orlovsky leads his Lions on a stirring-ish 75-yard drive. Smith tries to give it up midway through the series, but somehow manages to fall on his own fumble. Curtis Hanson converts from the 20 to make it 1976 Buccaneers 16, 2008 Lions 3.
Fourth quarter. Essex Johnson (now who remembers he of the third-most total yards for the ’76 Bucs?) comes alive early in the quarter to spark a nine-play 64-yard drive and another field goal. Bizarro Bowl fans are relieved to be able to start heading for the exits – only to miss what passes for excitement.
Carter: Best of the worst
The 1976 Buccaneers put the game out of reach – whoa, now that’s a weird sentence to formulate and put down – with another Louis Carter touchdown on a sweep, this time from just five yards out. The Lions answered by doing what they do best: Looking competent in a lost cause. Orlovsky manages to call a nine-play TD drive in just 49 seconds and succeeds to Johnson on the two-point conversion to give Marinelli fodder for enthusiasm in the Bizarro Bowl post-game. Final score: 1976 Buccaneers 26, 2008 Lions 11.
For full stats and play-by-play, click here — though note that these games do go down after about one month…
Gee, to think all McKay’s Bucs would have needed to avoid ignominy back in the bicentennial year was to schedule a team from 22 years in the future. For now, however, those Tampa Bay Buccaneers can break upon the champagne and crown themselves the mayors of Imperfectville.