Your fantasy football draft and six more topics not to be discussed

Why didn’t the surgeon general warn me? Combining a viewing schedule of the Star Trek: Deep Space Nine episode “His Way” and the 2010 FIBA World Championships against the squall of a lightning-quick fantasy football draft may result in a dangerous altered state.

BuckBokai did, however, receive one nice hallucinatory insight worthy of The Prophets themselves in finally discovering the answer to a 22-year-old mystery. To wit: Why does any Star Trek episode involving the holodeck/holosuite inevitably suck gagh?

(Actually, BuckBokai would like to point out three honest-to-Roddenberry highlights involving holotech: the awesome holographic character of Moriarty on ST:TNG, particularly with the genius twist of “Ship in a Bottle”; its use of camouflage against the Borg in the film “First Contact”; and of course “Take Me out to the Holosuite.”)

The answer, it seems, is exactly the same as to why nobody wants to hear about your fantasy draft. And dreams. Truth is, these utterly subjective topics are designed to be discussion killers due to their necessary exclusion of input from a fellow “conversationalist.”

Never mind the fact that the “Star Trek” writers of the 1990s and 2000s were at their best when putting a fresh spin on an old sci-fi trope and at their worst when doing “human” (or, one supposes, “Bajoran,” “Vulcan,” “Klingon,” etc. etc. etc.) stories. Seriously, was anything more painful than the so-called romantic interactions between Odo and Kira? Unless, of course, we factor in Troi and Ryker. Yeesh.

Telling someone holodeck stories must surely be the 24th century equivalent of Narcissistic, pop psychology-educated man’s tendency to babble on about subconscious stream-of-consciousness. Yes, the particular Klingon or Terran battle is surely a fascinating bit of historical event, but when “experienced” in the holodeck, a proper explanation would require a complete background description of the time period and its concomitant political machinations.

Note how often, in the holodeck/holosuite stories, how no actual action is ever seen.

BOR-ING!

BuckBokai got thinking and to surfing … does any other topic of conversation bore on a similar level as the recounting of a dream, and in doing so turned up this handy list as provided by the nauseatingly-named Happiness Project entitled “Seven topics to avoid if you don’t want to risk being a bore”:

1. A dream.
2. The recent changes in your child’s nap schedule.
3. The route you took to get here.
4. An excellent meal you once had at a restaurant.
5. The latest additions to your wine cellar.
6. An account your last golf game.
7. The plot of a movie, play, or movie—in particular, the funny parts.

BuckBokai would actually dispute topics #4; in fact, BuckBokai has found that, when in a restaurant, people are most likely to discuss other meals at other restaurants without much boredom evident.

As for #7, our Happiness Project author was actually referring to more specific referencing; you know, how something like “You musta gotten, like, three feet of air” was hilarious to 13- and 14-year-olds in 2004. Living as an expatriate, BuckBokai can tell you that knowledge of film and televisual minutiae has filled conversation for millions of man-hours at parties.

And #3? Couldn’t care less. BuckBokai don’t drive.

Incidentally, several degrees higher in insipidity than talking about your dreams is blogging about your dreams. Look. Your dreams are not awesome, they are not “evertaining,” and if they can’t keep even yourself amused at a rate of more than one post every ten days, well, that oughta tell you something.

Yet another grievous level higher in mind-numbing stupor inducement and well worthy of a special level in the eternal fire is the tendency to post about a dream while ironically noting how boring it is to post about a dream. Here’s a tip: It’s not funny, it’s old and it’s simply been done to death.

Chalk it all up to the 17th Law of Disquisition: Just because you *can* write something up, it doesn’t necessarily mean you should.

Now. Back to the game.

So, on this American national holiday of the NFL season opener (well, it would be a proper a national holiday if it weren’t, um, *ANY OTHER DAY EXCEPT SUNDAY, WHICH IS WHEN YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO PLAY FOOTBALL*), BuckBokai introduces The Seven Topics You Should Never Discuss – and it’s amazing how many of these apply to sports devotees and science-fiction adherents. Are we really that annoying?

1. A dream.
2. Your adventure with Miles O’Brien in the holosuite.
3. Anything about your child, really. Even if the other “conversationalist” has children, he/she will just want to discuss theirs anyway after half-listening to your schpiel.
4. The latest additions to your burgeoning classic Doctor Who DVD collection.
5. Your fantasy football draft (Hey, not everyone in America plays golf, but everyone has a fantasy football team.)
6. Anything in sports with someone who doesn’t know anything about sports.
7. The plot of any “cult classic” from “Firefly” to “Caprica.”

Now let’s be more interesting out there, okay? After all, only you can prevent this:

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